As Larry knows, my son drowned in the Consumnes River on Friday, April 24th, 2020, at around 5 pm, but his body was not recovered and identified until about 3 weeks later. After being submerged for at least 12 days, it was almost certainly not fit for viewing. We elected cremation ... but here's the crazy part. At the mortuary, we viewed several cremation caskets. The cheapest was $125 - a cardboard box which looked like it should have an Amazon Smile swooshed along the side. We opted for the 3 tier from the bottom, for $500. Why? Why could neither my wife nor I stand the idea of spending so little ($125 or $250) for cardboard boxes? (The $250 model could be confused with wood at a distance, or by the severely myopic.) We went with actual wood. I still ask myself "why?" and I still don't have a good answer.
Good points, excellent questions. When we were planning to cremate my Mom's body, I thought it would be good for me to witness the process. It would be a way to honor/accompany her body to the "end." But the mortuary told me it would cost more $$$$s. I balked. Why pay them more for me to watch something they were going to do and that we had already paid them to do? Now, I carry small but real regrets about my choices. Money, perceptions, second-guessing all become odd speed bumps as we make deeply emotional decisions.
Try and keep in mind that those regrets are artificial. They aren't yours. They're a product of the funeral business trying to squeeze you for money while you're suffering from shock and grief.
If your mother was like most people, and I'm sure she was a caring woman, she certainly wouldn't want her son carrying around feelings you didn't earn. She would have made just about any sacrifice to make sure you didn't feel that way, so you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I wondered about this at both Mom and later Dad’s cremation. Ultimately, I know that neither of them would have wanted me to spend money watching a fire. That might sound insensitive, and I don’t mean it to. Rather, I believe that once we cross, we most likely don’t care what is done with this old bag of bones.
I hadn't thought much about this. Mostly because I don't care what happens to me after I take my last breath. I won't care then, so I don't care much now. My wife understands this, and I've told her as much. I was surprised just the other day when my daughter told me she thinks an open casket is creepy. Growing up the son of a minister, I had numerous occasions to be at funerals of parishioners. Mostly, they were open-casket experiences. It never bothered me. Of course, I didn't think about the expense at all, at least not as a youngster.
I am appreciative of my father-in-law who purchased a plot for himself and his wife. He even chose a headstone and had it engraved with his name and his wife's. It's sitting there on his gravesite...waiting for the two of them. But, this part of the expense for his after death needs has been paid in full.
The only "stipulation" I have about my own funeral are the things I wouldn't want said. Mostly I'm referring to Christian platitudes that used to bring me peace. These days they seem best left unsaid on account of those to whom they do not bring peace. Alas, this is probably the last place "I" would have any control.
I have considered making a video to say goodbye. Maybe send it to a friend for safe keeping... just in case.
Ha! In some ways, that was my Mom's comment: "I don't care what happens to me after I take my last breath..." She could be funny and serious in the same moment. And I agree with you. If I had any control (which I won't) after I die, I hope the faith-influenced "platitudes" are not spoken. Thanks for your thoughts, Jeff!
Larry, your honesty, vulnerability, and transparency are gifts you choose to share with all of us. And we are better for them. This three-part series on viewing the deceased has opened my eyes (and my heart) and has given me food for thought. My wife and I are fortunate we each know what we want, and what each other wants… but there are always lingering questions, aren’t there? Thanks to your wisdom, we will be talking more openly - and honestly - about not just our wishes, but our thoughts, our beliefs, and our fears.
Perhaps you said it best at the end of this, your last in the three-part series: There is only so much sand left in the hourglass.
I completely agree. And? Obtain the paperwork for your state (on line) to fill out what you want family to do if you are lingering close to death, as well as how much medicine/ shocks/ breathing apparatus etc. you want done to your body. I don’t know if it is called a DNR everywhere, but that’s what we have in Washington. And lastly, fill out a POLST. It feels lazy and quite a bit unkind to leave that decision for those who are grieving us.
I am sorry for your loss, and have great compassion for all that you are going thru.
I like this, Larry. My husband every so often jokes about what he wants at his funeral, and I find his humor comforting. He mentions music he might like played (it's usually a funny choice) or a Manhattan cocktail sitting on his coffin. If I am the one left behind, I will definitely be smiling at his wishes between the tears, and likely follow his request. How fitting for the grandson of a mortician.
As Larry knows, my son drowned in the Consumnes River on Friday, April 24th, 2020, at around 5 pm, but his body was not recovered and identified until about 3 weeks later. After being submerged for at least 12 days, it was almost certainly not fit for viewing. We elected cremation ... but here's the crazy part. At the mortuary, we viewed several cremation caskets. The cheapest was $125 - a cardboard box which looked like it should have an Amazon Smile swooshed along the side. We opted for the 3 tier from the bottom, for $500. Why? Why could neither my wife nor I stand the idea of spending so little ($125 or $250) for cardboard boxes? (The $250 model could be confused with wood at a distance, or by the severely myopic.) We went with actual wood. I still ask myself "why?" and I still don't have a good answer.
Good points, excellent questions. When we were planning to cremate my Mom's body, I thought it would be good for me to witness the process. It would be a way to honor/accompany her body to the "end." But the mortuary told me it would cost more $$$$s. I balked. Why pay them more for me to watch something they were going to do and that we had already paid them to do? Now, I carry small but real regrets about my choices. Money, perceptions, second-guessing all become odd speed bumps as we make deeply emotional decisions.
Try and keep in mind that those regrets are artificial. They aren't yours. They're a product of the funeral business trying to squeeze you for money while you're suffering from shock and grief.
If your mother was like most people, and I'm sure she was a caring woman, she certainly wouldn't want her son carrying around feelings you didn't earn. She would have made just about any sacrifice to make sure you didn't feel that way, so you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I wondered about this at both Mom and later Dad’s cremation. Ultimately, I know that neither of them would have wanted me to spend money watching a fire. That might sound insensitive, and I don’t mean it to. Rather, I believe that once we cross, we most likely don’t care what is done with this old bag of bones.
Ah-ha . . . my wondering was not just me. Thanks for this comment, Teyani.
You’re most welcome. Loss of a loved one is difficult enough to cope with on to own. No need to pile on guilt of any sort.
I hadn't thought much about this. Mostly because I don't care what happens to me after I take my last breath. I won't care then, so I don't care much now. My wife understands this, and I've told her as much. I was surprised just the other day when my daughter told me she thinks an open casket is creepy. Growing up the son of a minister, I had numerous occasions to be at funerals of parishioners. Mostly, they were open-casket experiences. It never bothered me. Of course, I didn't think about the expense at all, at least not as a youngster.
I am appreciative of my father-in-law who purchased a plot for himself and his wife. He even chose a headstone and had it engraved with his name and his wife's. It's sitting there on his gravesite...waiting for the two of them. But, this part of the expense for his after death needs has been paid in full.
The only "stipulation" I have about my own funeral are the things I wouldn't want said. Mostly I'm referring to Christian platitudes that used to bring me peace. These days they seem best left unsaid on account of those to whom they do not bring peace. Alas, this is probably the last place "I" would have any control.
I have considered making a video to say goodbye. Maybe send it to a friend for safe keeping... just in case.
Ha! In some ways, that was my Mom's comment: "I don't care what happens to me after I take my last breath..." She could be funny and serious in the same moment. And I agree with you. If I had any control (which I won't) after I die, I hope the faith-influenced "platitudes" are not spoken. Thanks for your thoughts, Jeff!
Larry, your honesty, vulnerability, and transparency are gifts you choose to share with all of us. And we are better for them. This three-part series on viewing the deceased has opened my eyes (and my heart) and has given me food for thought. My wife and I are fortunate we each know what we want, and what each other wants… but there are always lingering questions, aren’t there? Thanks to your wisdom, we will be talking more openly - and honestly - about not just our wishes, but our thoughts, our beliefs, and our fears.
Perhaps you said it best at the end of this, your last in the three-part series: There is only so much sand left in the hourglass.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with all of us.
Such lovely thoughts. Thanks so much, Rusty!
I completely agree. And? Obtain the paperwork for your state (on line) to fill out what you want family to do if you are lingering close to death, as well as how much medicine/ shocks/ breathing apparatus etc. you want done to your body. I don’t know if it is called a DNR everywhere, but that’s what we have in Washington. And lastly, fill out a POLST. It feels lazy and quite a bit unkind to leave that decision for those who are grieving us.
I am sorry for your loss, and have great compassion for all that you are going thru.
Teyani: excellent reminders!
I like this, Larry. My husband every so often jokes about what he wants at his funeral, and I find his humor comforting. He mentions music he might like played (it's usually a funny choice) or a Manhattan cocktail sitting on his coffin. If I am the one left behind, I will definitely be smiling at his wishes between the tears, and likely follow his request. How fitting for the grandson of a mortician.
Good for your husband and the comfort it brings you! And thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sue.