Years ago, when I asked on Facebook about whether or not the deceased’s body should “attend” the funeral, my friend Joy Wheland Cole responded with, “After kissing my cold, embalmed parents and realizing they weren't there, I decided cremation was much more helpful in realizing the finality of the death. My husband was cremated and I truly found more comfort in seeing the urn than seeing my parents' embalmed bodies!!”
Cole raised a key question: what will bring the living comfort? I would add:
What were the wishes of the deceased?
Do any religious or family traditions influence the decision?
If a family has conflict about having/not having the body present, what’s the conflict truly about? Tension between the deceased’s second spouse and the stepchildren may have less to do with the body, instead related to an old hurt or a new inheritance.
I could create a longer checklist of questions, but the point is this: communicate!
Whatever those who are living decide about the dead, it’s far better to have open discussions about dying and death beforehand. That’s easier to suggest than do. Many avoid talking about death, treating it as if it were an embarrassing or dangerous subject. We modern humans are strangely superstitious about our mortality. If we mention death, then death will happen! Or we become selectively tongue-tied. If I engage in a chat about having or not having a body, the rest of my family will view me as . . . morbid, insensitive or inappropriate. That list could also lengthen.
But here’s the thing: will all of you reading this please raise your hands if you think you’ll avoid dying. Oops, look, everybody’s hand is up. Now put your hands down and talk about what you want. Write down what you want. And if you change your mind, don’t assume your loveable or irksome loved ones will be able to read your mind.
So, I’ve made my decision. (Have you?) Cremation please. No viewing of the body, except privately by family if they choose to. I have no insider confirmation of what happens after death. I faithfully believe God’s love is forever, but that doesn’t lead me to anticipate walking through heaven’s pearly gates or strumming a harp at the crest of a cumulous cloud. However, I know I don’t like the notion of embalming and have zero interest in a kind, sensitive, just-want-to-get-paid-enough-to-feed-my-family funeral director dabbing rouge on my cold cheeks or carefully arranging my lifeless hands. But that’s me; I have no idea about you. I simply and firmly believe only two things:
You and I will die . . . by accident, mayhem, illness or old age. There’s only so much sand in my hourglass.
Might as well let people know what you want.
Communicate. Talk. Share. Chat. It’ll be hard. It’ll be weird. Or maybe talking about your wishes will be one of the finest conversations you have ever had. You never know until you do. The healthy and honest sharing done before death means the time of grief after will more likely also be healthy and honest for the living.
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Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash
My book, A Companion for the Hospice Journey is available at Amazon.
I like this, Larry. My husband every so often jokes about what he wants at his funeral, and I find his humor comforting. He mentions music he might like played (it's usually a funny choice) or a Manhattan cocktail sitting on his coffin. If I am the one left behind, I will definitely be smiling at his wishes between the tears, and likely follow his request. How fitting for the grandson of a mortician.
I hadn't thought much about this. Mostly because I don't care what happens to me after I take my last breath. I won't care then, so I don't care much now. My wife understands this, and I've told her as much. I was surprised just the other day when my daughter told me she thinks an open casket is creepy. Growing up the son of a minister, I had numerous occasions to be at funerals of parishioners. Mostly, they were open-casket experiences. It never bothered me. Of course, I didn't think about the expense at all, at least not as a youngster.
I am appreciative of my father-in-law who purchased a plot for himself and his wife. He even chose a headstone and had it engraved with his name and his wife's. It's sitting there on his gravesite...waiting for the two of them. But, this part of the expense for his after death needs has been paid in full.
The only "stipulation" I have about my own funeral are the things I wouldn't want said. Mostly I'm referring to Christian platitudes that used to bring me peace. These days they seem best left unsaid on account of those to whom they do not bring peace. Alas, this is probably the last place "I" would have any control.
I have considered making a video to say goodbye. Maybe send it to a friend for safe keeping... just in case.