I refer to any who have passed now as humans. Your human. There are so many pronouns and so many difficult relationships that "your human" seems to cover everything and is accepted by everyone 😊
I often found calling the deceased by their name was helpful. Then there was no guessing if they were beloved or less than that. Their name is specific to that person who will not be anything other than a name, forever more.
I think this was impressed upon me after attending a close friend’s sister’s funeral at a cemetery chapel. The officiant had not known the woman and probably hadn’t interviewed the family very long before the service. I just remember clearly that the officiant only said the woman’s name once, when reading the cover of the program at the beginning. While he did list by name the many relatives the woman was leaving behind, throughout the service as he commented on her domestic skills, clubs and charities she had enjoyed. He just used generic words such as She, his wife, as a volunteer… beloved grandmother.. almost never her name. Denise .! Not a hard name to pronounce, not a foreign kind of name, just the name she was given as her own. Curious.
Thanks, Karen. I too have been at funerals where the pastor obviously didn't know the person and it felt like a formatted service with INSERT NAME HERE. If the name was even said.
Part of the reason I wrote this was based on my leading grief groups. In the first sessions, I am just learning names of the participants and don't know much about their histories. With some, it was difficult for them to say aloud the name of the one who died. And so, early on, using "beloved" or "loved one" was a choice I often took. The vast majority of the deceased in those settings were indeed honestly "beloved." But I can recall a few conversations, as the group began to trust each other, that a person's "loved one" was also someone with a difficult, complex past.
There is no one way of grief. While some of the experience with your father may help, there will likely be new feelings and different experiences. We all prefer to be in control. Grief has a way of constantly "yanking the rug" from under us. Take care! Thanks for your comments.
I refer to any who have passed now as humans. Your human. There are so many pronouns and so many difficult relationships that "your human" seems to cover everything and is accepted by everyone 😊
Good suggestion. Thanks, Nikki!
I often found calling the deceased by their name was helpful. Then there was no guessing if they were beloved or less than that. Their name is specific to that person who will not be anything other than a name, forever more.
I think this was impressed upon me after attending a close friend’s sister’s funeral at a cemetery chapel. The officiant had not known the woman and probably hadn’t interviewed the family very long before the service. I just remember clearly that the officiant only said the woman’s name once, when reading the cover of the program at the beginning. While he did list by name the many relatives the woman was leaving behind, throughout the service as he commented on her domestic skills, clubs and charities she had enjoyed. He just used generic words such as She, his wife, as a volunteer… beloved grandmother.. almost never her name. Denise .! Not a hard name to pronounce, not a foreign kind of name, just the name she was given as her own. Curious.
Thanks, Karen. I too have been at funerals where the pastor obviously didn't know the person and it felt like a formatted service with INSERT NAME HERE. If the name was even said.
Part of the reason I wrote this was based on my leading grief groups. In the first sessions, I am just learning names of the participants and don't know much about their histories. With some, it was difficult for them to say aloud the name of the one who died. And so, early on, using "beloved" or "loved one" was a choice I often took. The vast majority of the deceased in those settings were indeed honestly "beloved." But I can recall a few conversations, as the group began to trust each other, that a person's "loved one" was also someone with a difficult, complex past.
I grieved my father decades ago. I now care for a man to whom I am related.
It doesn’t make it easier, I don’t think. Maybe it does?
There is no one way of grief. While some of the experience with your father may help, there will likely be new feelings and different experiences. We all prefer to be in control. Grief has a way of constantly "yanking the rug" from under us. Take care! Thanks for your comments.