What is the worst death to experience?
When I worked as a hospice’s Bereavement Support Specialist, I regularly contacted a lot of folks struggling with the death of a loved one. There were deceased spouses, children who were too young, children who were adults but still too young, grandchildren, grandparents, cousins, best friends, mentors and colleagues, aunts and uncles, significant others, and the dearly departed that didn’t fit a convenient category other than his or her death wrecked your heart.
Or does the worst death involve the circumstance? Is a sudden death from cancer worse than a lengthy dying from heart disease? Wouldn’t most prefer an accident (“He never saw the car that hit him and died in a split second.”) rather than the endless, incremental wasting away from dementia?
One of the earliest conversations I had with my boss after starting work involved one particular relationship’s death that was (and is) often overlooked or downplayed.
What happens when an adult sister or brother dies? (And by the way, did you notice I hadn’t listed “sibling” with the other relationships in the third paragraph from the top?)
When ranking the emotional severity of the death of a loved one—something we shouldn’t do, but do anyway—I wonder where most would place the death of an adult sibling? Low? High?
I recall a conversation with a man who was raised with a couple of siblings. He now had a loving (and still living) wife. Based on brief comments about his adult children, he was clearly proud of their achievements.
But he was staggered by the death of his brother.
There were moments of silence on the phone. Tears too. At times, based on his responses, it was almost as if he were embarrassed at his reactions. Some part of him, like perhaps part of many, had thought—as his brother was dying—that it’s only my brother.
Then death came.
This was also his last sibling. Now he was the only one remaining from his family of origin. Parents had died long ago. One sister had died too young. Another brother died during a war. His family had experienced tragedy and accident, and had gathered at too many funerals instead of reunions.
He wondered why he was so upset.
When I suggested that a sibling’s death could mean the end of telling and sharing certain family stories, he grew silent again.
Finally, he said, “You’re right. That’s so true, isn’t?”
Sisters and brothers, raised in the same family, can turn out as near opposites. One is liberal, the other conservative. One becomes rich and unhappy, while the other can barely make ends meet and yet always seems content and upbeat. One travels, one never leaves the neighborhood. One loves hunting, the other is a vegetarian. Regardless of the differences, siblings share memories. They thrived in (or survived) childhood together. Whether they lived on the “wrong side of the tracks” or a mansion, siblings had hours and seasons and years together. They had first-ever experiences together: tasting ice cream, fireworks exploding in the sky, welcoming a puppy into the home . . . and so much more.
I’ll go to my grave knowing my older sister was my best buddy during elementary school years. We played Barbie doll games. We played cowboy games. Much of the most intimate time we had only spanned six or seven “childish” years, but they overflowed with wonder and mischief. My other sister, eleven years younger, had her unique experiences . . . but she lived in the same home and neighborhood, attended the same schools, and loved (and was irritated by) the same parents. Both sisters can finish my sentences and roll their eyes at my exaggerations. My sisters are the only ones who laugh at certain family jokes. As adults, they are different than me . . . but we are family.
Siblings are memory and story. Siblings often know the very best and very worst of other siblings.
Novelist Jodi Picoult wrote, “If you have a sister and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a sister, even when the other half of the equation is gone?” I believe there’s a simple answer to Picoult’s wondering. Regardless of age, attitude, a history of anger or love, across the street or across the globe, alive or deceased, we are always a brother, we are always a sister.
A Vietnamese proverb states, “Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet.”
In my call with the grieving brother, he said they rarely saw each other. They shared an occasional holiday, wedding, or funeral. After all, they lived apart and had all the usual obligations. But even with their separation, they were forever “as close as hands and feet.”
When a sibling dies, the memories of childhood, yesterday’s unresolved issues, tomorrow’s plans, and a literal piece of “you” are now gone.
I hope you remember the depth of this loss when supporting a friend after a brother or sister has died. And if you are the one grieving the death of your brother or sister . . . how can you not feel a profound sense of loss?
++++++++
Photo by Nina Hill on Unsplash
My book, A Companion for the Hospice Journey is available at Amazon.
I agree, that sibling deaths are oh so hard because it's not just the person we lose, it's also the one who has been witness to our lives. They are so interwoven into our story. Additionally it is a stark reminder of our own mortality than someone dying of a different generation, because they are close to our own age. Thanks for naming all of those difficulties here.