I’ve argued with myself since attending a long-ago grief workshop led by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a national expert on bereavement: Should the dead be present at the funeral or not?
Wolfelt, a prodigious writer and enthusiastic speaker, crafted “Ten Freedoms For Creating a Meaningful Funeral.” His #4 was,
While viewing the body is not appropriate for all cultures and faiths, many people find it helps them acknowledge the reality of the death. It also provides a way to say goodbye to the person who died. There are many benefits to viewings and open casket ceremonies; don't let others tell you this practice is morbid or wrong.
Thomas Lynch—a poet, essayist and undertaker—agrees with Wolfelt. In the digital magazine Aeon, Lynch wrote,
Thus, on my short list of the essential elements of the good funeral, the presence of the dead is the first and definitive element. Memorial services, celebrations of life, or variations on these commemorative events – whether held sooner or later or at intervals or anniversaries, in a variety of locales – while useful socially for commemorating the dead and paying tribute to their memories, lack an essential manifest and function: the disposition of the dead. The option to dispose of the dead privately, through the agency of hirelings, however professional they might be, and however moving the memorial that follows, is an abdication of an essential undertaking and fundamental humanity.
I disagree with Wolfelt and Lynch.
But should I?
Do you?
Is the body’s presence at the funeral—open casket and in plain view of the living—a “morbid or wrong” decision? Do we abdicate our “essential and fundamental humanity” when keeping the casket and its contents out of sight?
Since my 1977 ordination as a United Methodist pastor, I’ve never advocated for the body at the funeral. My early reluctance to include the casket, open or closed, involved the costs for the grieving family and an uncertainty about the undertaker’s motives. Even if the living made most of the decisions before the death, new guilt or old pride could prompt spouses or children to spend more money on a better coffin or a more elaborate service. And wouldn’t the undertaker make more money if “more” were done? A simple pine coffin was fine, but a mahogany model makes a powerful statement about how much the deceased was truly loved. Doesn’t it?
After working in a hospice, I have also wondered: What are the most hopeful and helpful decisions for families to make as they walk along grief’s path?
In upcoming Substack Letters, I’ll advocate for and then against the presence of the body. I’ll also explore the differences between funerals, celebrations of life, graveside services and other ceremonies. Every person will make different choices for honoring the dead. Whatever the choice, our decisions will influence our grief, and will have an impact on the rest of our days.
I disagree with Wolfelt and Lynch.
But should I?
Do you?
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Photo by Strauss Western on Unsplash
My book, A Companion for the Hospice Journey is available at Amazon.
My first insurance sales was pre-needs, or burial policys. We discussed open or closed casket, selecting a casket, the memorial service, the procession to the gravesite, and the gravesite service. Each step was a sales step and it took integrity to not attempt to drive up the cost. Feelings were paramount but you also had to grasp the financial ability of someone to pay. Monthly payments with a term life rider was all many could afford. The sales trick was to draw a picture of the funeral derector.sitting with your family and asking who was going to pay. Or asking everyone to get out their credit card and we will divide the cost up. People do not want conflict in their family.
As to an open casket viewing, people want different things. One of my daughters felt it was very important to view her grandfather and the other wouldn't look. How one chooses to remember Ones loved ones is personal and is to be respected.
Interesting debate. I like your thoughts. My husband's grandfather was a mortician and he didn't believe in headstones, for the same reason, money.